What Its Like Being Bullied

I was bullied from the age of 9 years till at least my 20th birthday. Yes, even at 20 I was still being picked on. Why? Because I am gay. I was never open about being gay, I didn't have to be. Everyone knew it. Not because I sounded camp, or acted camp. Or even dressed camp. Nope, it was simple. I never had a girlfriend.. That was it.. That was the reason they knew.

It all started when I was 9 years old. I went to a boarding school. At 9 years old I was placed in the middle of hell in the boarding school lifestyle. Nothing prepared me for what was in store for me. Ok, it started out fine. I had a few months where I had to settle into the life. But I never really did. I started to “know” what I was. Well, I didn’t actually know.. I just knew something was “different” I did not seem interested in girls, I didn’t seem interested in hearing the “talk” about girls and relationships and all the bullshit. I was more interested in my best mate, Douglas.

In boarding school.. You all should know that you actually do sleep there don’t you? It’s not like normal school where you can go home at night and hide yourself away into your bedroom and play with yourself. This was eat, sleep, wank, pray, work, dress, shower, shit, cry and laugh with the same people day in day out for months at a time. If you farted in assembly.. You not only had the teasing in school.. But at night as well.. In the bathroom, in the freaking breakfast meal times. There was nothing that nobody knew about me nor me them. I knew who cried at night, who wanked, who snored, who farted, who hugs a teddy bear and kisses it goodnight, I know who has nightmares and who sleep walks.. That’s how close it was in boarding school.

So, as a gay.. With hormones going wild.. You can understand my frustration can’t you?.. I mean.. It would have been better putting me in the girl’s dorm and sleep with the girls.. But, there would be a problem I would be raped at night or something. Trust me, the girls had nothing to fear from me.. You get me! But.. As rules have it.. I was placed in a dormitory full of boys (30 to be exact) and I was so.. What’s the word for it?.. Embarrassed? Shocked? Ashamed? Fearful of letting one slip? Afraid of showing some movement downstairs? .. That I became so introverted and secluded from the rest of the school.. I was a 100% pure bred LONER! Not that I had trouble making friends.. I had loads of friends.. Some I still talk to even today.. But.. It was me who stopped me from making friends.. I stopped myself to prevent me giving away that deep dark secret… being GAY!

So, me, the loner, the one who sits quiet in the corner, the one who is afraid of everyone, had to come up with a “reason” to stop people talking to me. I know.. I will become the biggest bitch in the UK. Fuck you all, you fuckers! I will make sure I am un liked. That way. I won’t slip up and then face years and forever of bullying because I managed to get a hard on in just the wrong place and time. Yeah.. That was it. That’s how I can do it. That’s how I was at 9 years of age. Eventually though.. I did start talking to people and I did make 2 friends. Douglas and Barry. Two dear friends of mine even today. Nope, they are not gay.. They are completely normal. The reason why I made such good friends? They were on the same level as me. We shared so many character traits that we just clicked.. And with my secret.. I could hide amongst them soo fucking well.. Hey.. They walked around with their hands in their pants.. It was “a cool thing”.. Me.. I could do the same.. It was a “hide that stiffy thing”.

So then the bulling started. It started off at first with comments like.. “Why ain’t you got a girlfriend?” “Why do you not shower with us?” (Communal showers) “Why don’t you go out with her?” and every time I made my excuses.. It started out with “You’re fridged” “You are afraid” “You are weird” then it soon developed into… “Are you gay?” or words to that effect.. And I kept saying no.. But they just didn’t believe me.
The day that it turned physical is a day I will never forget. I was at boarding school.. I was now 12 years old. And already I was the “Freak” of the school. I was called that because of the following.
I was 90% a Loner.. Only ever talking to two people for 5 mins a day, and that was just because we sat next to each other.

I was the kid who (even after several offers from various girls) never kissed or touched a girl intimately

I was the kid who sat in the corner and had my head in my lap all the time.

I was the kid who purposefully tried showering and bathing alone and even skipping a shower to avoid uncontrollable reactions in my shorts.

I was the one who only ever liked being beside another boy and when a girl stood next to me I walked away
I was the kid who couldn’t do sports very well


So, I was the freak. The gaybo, the queer, the homo, the loner. I was the boy who only ever really talked to my school form teacher (tutor) Mrs. Mandy. She was my mother in school. She knew things about me that even I didn’t. And I think she knew what secret I was hiding. And she was the best teacher in the whole world. She used to bring me cookies and give me sweets and hug me and smile when I walked past and always always asked me if I was ok and if I needed anything and that I could talk anytime if I wanted.
Well.. That day.. I was 12 and the school scout group was on their way to a scout camp. I was present as well, seeing how I was in the scouts. Well.. anyways, the camp was called Linnet Clough… just outside Manchester. It’s a regular campsite for my boarding school. Anyways.. It was some sort of county scout camp.. Long story short.. We set up the patrol tent.. An 8 man tent that my patrol was going to sleep in.. I did insist on a separate tent.. But the scout master insisted back that I stop being such a pussy. Yeah.. Those exact words. So. I looked on a Douglas and Barry and several other members of my patrol.. The “Tigers” and then at the sleeping arrangements.. They had already set out their sleeping bags.. I sat there on my rucksack and looked on in horror.. Yeah sure.. I WANTED to sleep that close to someone I actually wanted sex with.. But not now, not as a kid. Not as someone who was turned on by a gnat landing on my cock.. Figure of speech .. I wasn’t actually turned on by a gnat.. What I mean is.. The slightest touch and up I came. I couldn’t help it.. My hormones were going fucking crazy. Sure, all boys went through that.. But at least they got hard and they blamed it on some girl and had the permission to express his love and hard on with a wank and screaming out that girls name.. Me.. Who was I getting hard over? .. Yeah.. The ones watching me with mouths open in shock… FAGGOT! (Even though they probably didn’t even know or suspect or care)

So, the scout master comes over.. “Why are you sat there like a dweeb?! Up pack your ruck sac!” I looked around at the scout master staring at me as I was miles away watching Douglas. I stood up. I walked over to the tent.. And Douglas said to me.. “Here, you can sleep here” I looked at Douglas and found that he actually “Reserved” a place for me. Oh, very nice of you.. Asshole I was thinking. I was more than happy sleeping at the end.. And when people were asleep, I would quietly roll out the door and sleep under the stars. But now.. I am in the middle of all these boys.. All probably wanting to snuggle up at night.. I was sooo in denial about my true feelings.. Any normal gay would say fuck yeah.. But me.. I was fuck no!

So the night came. And we were all in our sleeping bags.. And the “talk” started. You know.. Hormonal boys talk.. Probably gonna lead to a “cum in the cup race” if you don’t know what that is.. Don’t ask.. But if you must know.. It’s the most gay thing non gay boys do and will always say they are not gay for doing it when in actual fact.. Its soo fucking gay it’s unreal.. Basically.. you all wank into a cup in a circle and the last one to “cum” or “orgasm” has to either drink the cup filled with semen or what ever they could produce OR face a forfeit.

Guess what.. That’s what happened.. Now.. Long story short.. I lost. I did not loose on purpose.. Although that’s what was eventually suggested.. I lost because I was so well trained in the art of NOT being gay and getting all emotional about masturbating and shit.. Even though I really wanted to.. That I was too nervous or what ever to even attempt to be first.. Besides.. Whilst they all wanked over a grotty porn mag with big tits.. I had nothing to wank over apart from 10 boys hanging out in front of me.. And I could hardly look could I? I could hardly stare at them and get myself off.. So.. I had to wank with nothing to stimulate.. So.. Well.. I failed to produce.

Now.. This is where I have to stop you.. You are probably thinking.. Gay.. Yep, cup full of cum.. Yep… would drink it without any hesitation…. WRONG.. I may be gay but then, I did not fancy some straight boys cum in my mouth.. It was like snot .. Slime.. What ever disgusting thing it was.. It was gross.. I refused to put it in my mouth.. They tried to make me.. They held me down and poured it into my mouth.. I tried to scream but was too busy gagging. “You fucking pussy” they said.. Douglas tried backing me up.. “Leave him alone” then it came, “Faggot” said with anger in his voice. It was this kid called Paul. I was laid down on the sleeping bags.. Still with my pants down.. Still with the cum over my face. Almost crying. Douglas.. He stepped in and said.. “Leave him alone” and basically moved between me and Paul. Then they started fighting.. Ok.. Not really fighting.. More like.. Paul had him on his ass quickly and said don’t fucking dare. Douglas was not a fighter. He wasn’t tough. And he was definitely not gay. But Paul.. Was team captain for the U13’s rugby team and swimming team.. He was what the yanks would call.. A Jock.. A sports bred kid.. All muscle and no brains. It was 8 to 2.. Me and Douglas were out numbered.

So, they all crowded me and started taunting me. To cut to the facts.. And not to go too deep into it.. I was stripped.. Slapped and then held down whilst they spat on me. Then, one of the other boys said.. Put the two faggots together. I was forced to lie on top of Douglas and although no actual rape occurred.. I was made to simulate having sex with him. Including being forced to do the motions on Douglas. All whilst they laughed and joked and tormented me and Douglas.

After that, I left the scout group. I hardly ever talked to Douglas again, I hardly ever talked to anyone again. In fact. From then, it was 10 years since I spoke to Douglas again on a social net working site.. And even then.. We never really talked.. Just the kind hello how are you? And that’s it. I eventually left that school and was taken to another boarding school at 13 years of age. By now, I was so fucked up in the head and afraid of everything and traumatized that I started to not care anymore.

In the new school.. (Which I didn’t stay all that long) I got into 26 fights, all of which they started on me for being gay. By now, I couldn’t keep it secret.. It was obvious that I was gay.. Even though I never even said I was. And I was in one fight standing up for a kid who was probably also gay.. He was being bullied one time and I stepped in and defended him.. Timothy was his name. I got my ass kicked.. And never even got a thank you for helping timothy out. I was then moved from that school to a normal comprehensive. Where by now, I was totally unable to make any friends. The only friendship I could make now, at the age of 14, was with boys who were 11 to 12 years old. Only because they would never give me any shit and would never try to bully me. But this only caused further bullying by my own age group and above.

One time in PE at this new school. I tried skipping a shower afterwards.. But was caught by the teacher and forced to take a shower. And to this day, I regret it.. The inevitable happened.. I got a hard on in the shower. It just happened.. I couldn’t help it. Well.. Instantly.. The whole school knew now.. And I was subject to a daily bloody nose, I think I cracked a rib when I was pushed down the stairs in the school during lunch break.. I was constantly pushed around, punched, spat at. I had my stuff stolen away from me that I started resorting to not taking any lunch with me nor money for lunch. And eventually.. I skived school almost every other day. By the time I was 15, I had already skived off at least 80% of the year. And now, the school was complaining about my absence. And although I had letters home.. I could no longer keep that hidden from my dad as they stated that they were going to do a home visit.

Time for drastic action.. I ran away. I went 200 miles south to my mum’s house.. (Parents divorced) and I stated for my safety I needed to stay with her from now on. After a few too’s and fro’s I was eventually allowed to stay with my mum. By now I had missed so much school.. That I was placed 2 years back in my new school at my mums.. I was 16 going on 17.. And just starting my GCSE’s.. Which, if you don’t know.. By 16 – 17.. I should have completed them. So.. Gee.. Now I am a 16 year old in a class full of 14 year olds.. How humiliating.. Now, you may think.. That’s wrong.. That shouldn’t happen.. How the fuck did the school agree to that?.. Well.. With a mother who is a school governor.. You can get the idea now.

So, me, an old person in the school yeah? No chance of bullying now yeah? No one will fuck with someone who is 2 years older than them yeah?... wrong.. All it means now is I no longer get harassed by one person.. But now a gang of them and their older brothers as well.

I always wondered how they knew. I never told them a damn thing. I never let it slip.. I don’t sound gay.. I don’t even dress gay.. I don’t show anyone I am gay.. Most of the people I know now and some back then even are shocked to know I am gay.. Never! No way! That’s what they say.. But back then it was different.. They somehow knew.. Or was it.. It wasn’t anti gay bullying.. It was something else? Naa.. It was anti gay. I know it was. Being called faggot and queer and homo and all the other shit they came out with.. Yeah.. It was anti gay bullying.. And the only reason why I think they did it.. Was the fact I never had a girlfriend. And they all did. I never did what they did on a Friday night.. I was more comfortable with a single friend than I was with a girl. Besides which, I think I only ever had 3 friends then and everyone else was just against me.
I know I am being vague here about this “What’s it like being bullied” .. but its hard to talk about and most I have forgotten about. Or I don’t wish to talk about it at this moment in time. But I will tell you basically how I felt all my childhood. Leaving out what actually happened..

I would wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed nor face the world. I would always find an excuse to not do something. And skiving was a main part of my childhood when I could get away with it. In boarding school I had no choice but to attend school. But in normal school I tried to stay away as much as I could. When I could. When I did go out of the house. To school or to the shops or to a mates house. I was always on the look out for anyone who would possibly hurt me. I hated walking along the path and seeing a group of 3 or more boys walking towards me. I hated going into school and having the “greeting party” there waiting for me. I hated the break times when I would have to run (literally) to safety of the library or the toilets before being spotted by the bullies.

I hated the fact that after school, my bike was stolen all the time, or moved. And that not 10 feet out of the school gates I was harassed and punched by the greeting party. I hated the fact I couldn’t go to the fun fair for fear of being beaten up. I hated the fact that I couldn’t even go to the shop without meeting someone and getting my ass kicked. I hated the fact that I have had stones thrown at me and knives pulled out on me and leather belts wrapped around my back and legs. I hated the fact that I saw graffiti around the school with my name on it saying I was gay, homo, faggot, queer, bent, cock sucker, fairy, princess. And I hated the death threats (even though none of them were ever attempted on me). I hated the way that I had to force myself to be a loner and stay away from society. I hated not being able to go to the pub, when I was 18 because of the fear of being beaten up. I hated the fact that even at 17 – 19.. I felt it was important that I stayed home and locked myself away in my bedroom.

I hated not having loads of friends. I hated hearing the police could “do nothing about it”. I hated the fact that one time a large gang harassed my mum (at the time almost in her 60’s) at her own doorstep, trying to get me outside so they could beat me up in front of her. I hated the fact that I had to give up jobs because the anti gay comments were making me so angry that I would lose my job if I said what I really wanted to say to them. I hated the fact that one time I was “sent” a girl around to my house to ask me out and then tell me that if I didn’t go outside with her and make out.. I would be beaten up the next day at school. Only to then see a group of twats looking over at us and laughing. I hated the letters sent to me telling me to kill myself. I hated the emails. The comments in the street about me being gay and that I should leave the town for ever. And I hate the fact that when I did find a friend that they too were bullied to the point that they were forced to break the friendship from me for fear of their own life. I hated the fact that every time I tried telling someone, they were not interested, didn’t care, didn’t listen, didn’t try hard enough to stop it, or basically thought I was lying.

Now, I am out as a gay.. Only just.. At aged 30 something. And all of a sudden.. Everyone wants to be my friend and are totally cool with it. Some say.. wow, I never knew.. Some say don’t ever talk to me again.. Some have totally disowned me.. Some have become friends with me and are asking me how come I never said anything before.. It’s simply put.. The world around me are a bunch of hypocrites and liars.. And people who pretended they never knew or didn’t suspect.. And some people are so gay friendly that it beggars belief that they never stood up for me back then. Yeah, I have had my ups and downs.. pain and misery.. happy and joyful times. But is it any wonder I am the way I am today?