Funny Things Aaron Said...

Me: Well, I guess all that’s left now is the make-up sex.
Aaron: Does that mean we get to dress up like KISS?

Me: The clue is “Pain In The Neck”, seven letters.
Aaron: Your name is shorter than seven letters.

Aaron: What’s that chick’s name again?
Me: Heather.
Aaron: That’s a whore’s name.

Aaron: “Just because you’re intelligent and correct does not mean I am going to listen to you.”

Me: What did you think of me when we first met?
Aaron: I thought you were sane.

Me: Your fly is open.
Aaron: I’M ADVERTISING.

Aaron: I thought about you at school today.
Me: Oh that’s so sweet! How come?
Aaron: We ran out of sandwiches in the cafeteria.

Aaron: Now look what you’ve done, you’ve messed up my hair!
Me: No, I like it like that. It covers your face.

Me: So … what’s a man have to do to get you out of those pants?
Aaron: Offer to wash them.

Me: Would you help me up?
Aaron: *grabs my crotch*
Me: That’s not helping me up.
Aaron: It’s helping me up.

Me: What would possess you to get a cock tattooed on your body.
Aaron: You’d have to be a pretty intense cum hoover.

Me: Quit your complaining, most girls fart more than me.
Aaron: If that were true they would all be hovering above the ground.

Me: Did I tell you what I did at the work today?
Aaron: Was it see how many things you could put in your bum until it started to hurt?
Me: How the hell do you come up with this stuff? Are you bored a lot?
Aaron: Not anymore!

Me: Why are you so sexy?
Aaron: God didn’t like the idea of all the crazy people looking creepy.

 “You have the hungriest butt on earth. Don’t sit down on anything, you’ll suck up the furniture.”

Aaron: I want popcorn.
Me: You could eat a can of chick peas.
Aaron: Wow! I could also eat the carpet!

Aaron: You’re retarded.
Her: I know you are, but what am I?
Aaron: More retarded.

Me: … and the prize was really good, it was a trip to a place any teenager would want to go.
Aaron: You mean Wanking Camp, right?

Aaron: Why are you nipping around in the scud?
Me: What?
Aaron: You’re, you know, hanging around in your altogether.
Me: Can you come up with any other vague English ways of saying I’m naked?
Aaron: Shhh. You’ll embarrass both of us.

Aaron: You’re such a dirty little … faggot?
Me: Way to ruin it.

 “I always get people gifts I would want myself. Therefore, this year, you’re getting a gun.”

Me: You know what’s weird?
Aaron: Your two vaginas?

“I don’t have to ask for permission. Permission is assumed when I have a boner.”

Me: Why do you like Chuck Norris so much?
Aaron: Because there is a 50/50 chance he is somewhere boning your sister.

Me: Could you butter that toast for me?
Aaron: Yes. And by “butter that toast” I mean “bum you til your teeth rattle.”

Me: Did you just call me a dick or a dink?
Aaron: Dunno, which one hurts more?

Me: You can find the best presents in the garbage.
Aaron: That’s a dog’s way of thinking.

Aaron: I feel like I’m going to die when you’re driving.
Me: Well … you’re gay.
Aaron: I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better comeback than that.

Me: I love you.
Aaron: Good. The last thing I need is more enemies.

Aaron: Does my hair look ok?
Me: You have hair?!

Me: Why did you just eat that?
Aaron: How else was i supposed to know what it is?

Me: I think you’re the most beautiful thing in the world.
Aaron: *blush* You are so lying!
Me: Oh, sorry, I was just talking to my arm muscles.

Me: You know, teddy bears and robots are mortal enemies.
Aaron: Really. Since when.
Me: It’s been a few years now.

Aaron: C’mere and kiss me, chicken lips.
Me: I DO NOT HAVE CHICKEN LIPS.
Aaron: Sorry. C’mere and kiss me, chicken flaps.

Me: What would make you feel better?
Aaron: A CIGARETTE.
Me: Well, you can’t have one of those, so what else would you like?
Aaron: A BLOW JOB.

Me: Let me slap your ass, because it’s the third sexiest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.
Aaron: Third? What are the other two?
Me: Probably something from TV.

Me: Are you even listening to me?
Aaron: YES! KIND OF!

Aaron: Thank you.
Me: Why are you thanking me?
Aaron: I was talking to my cock.

History Lessons

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs." "Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to Macauley Culkin 2000." The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2001."

Anger Management

Unique Form of Anger Management

“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “a**hole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a**hole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an a**hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called a**hole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an a**hole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a**hole” and hung up.

Then I called a**hole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, a**hole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, a**hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“

Good Joke

Difference between Potentially and Realistically

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds." So the boy goes up to his mum and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and she replies "He is gorgeous, so of course I would!" Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million quid?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million pounds, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a homo!!!!!!"

Joke Of The Day

What Starts with F and ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:

'9.'

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:

'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:

'Pants..'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands...'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:

'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

The Worried Boss

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...



' ME . '

The Priest And His Chicken

The priest in a small Irish village loved the chickens that he kept in a coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

So during mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up!

"No, no that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up!

"No, no that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

Old MacDonald

There was this Irishman who was trying to sell some farm land. He posted out his advert in the International paper and a few people from all over the farming world responded. So the Irishman invited them all to his house and when they arrived he said to them both....

"Seeing how there are a few of you who want this land, i will give you all a riddle and you must solve this riddle. Its quiet simple, fill in the missing word and spell it"

They all agreed

"Ok, here we go... Old MacDonald Had a __________ What?" asked the Irishman.

Well the English farmer went first...

"I knew a Mc Donald back in the 40's and he was a property manager and I think the missing word is Estate... spelt E-S-T-A-T-E"

The American Rancher said...

"No No No No No, I knew an old rancher back in Texas who was called Mac Donald and he bread Stalions... I think the missing word is Ranch R-A-N-C-H"

The Indian Cotton Picker said

"No, I Knew a man called Mc Donald who was a Rice grower and he was a millionaire who grew rice for all the world. I think the word is Store S-T-O-R-E"

The Welsh Sheep farmer went next

"I knew a Macdonald that owned a sheep farm up in the hills of Wales and he owned a big cotton mill so i think the word is mill M-I-L-L"

An African Goat farmer went next

"I knew a Mac donald that owned a well in Nigeria I think the word is Well W-E-L-L"

Lastly a Chinese Chicken farmer went on to say

"I knew a Mac Donald that owned a Chinese Herbal Remedy shop in Hong Kong and he made his own medicine so i think the word is Pharmacy P-H-A-R-M-A-C-Y"

Well the Irishman listened to all the answers and nodded with approval with all their attempts before he said...

"Excellent choices my fellow gents but you are all wrong. the line goes...
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"Old Mac Donald had a FARM.... Spelt E-I-E-I-O"

Curious Boy

A curious eleven year old boy asked his mother,
"is God male or female?"

She hesitates for a brief moment, and responds,
"God is both male and female."

Still curious, he asked..."is God black or white?"

She responds along the same line..."God's both
black and white."

Finally, the boy asks..."is God gay or straight?"

His mother, now concerned, answered..."honey,
God's both gay and straight, why do you ask?"

The confused boy hesitates, then asks.."mom
are God and Michael Jackson the same person?"

Gay Translator

I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.

Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.

I need you.
My hand is tired.

You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.

I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

He's kinda cute.
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?

Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!

YEAH!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!