First Time Love. Part 1.

November 1999. Aaron a week away from being 10 years old. It was Saturday and Aaron was on a sleep around at my house. I knew he was gay by now. I found that out in July this year. Aaron knew I was gay since April this year.  Up to now. Our relationship has been purely about talking and guidance from myself to him. The father figure. The man to ask the questions that he dare not ask his own biological father, 16 doors away.

I knew mostly everything I needed to know about Aaron now. And he knew all about my life, the fact I was missing my son, who would be 2 years old now. I have not even seen him nor talked to him nor gotten a photograph of him. The contact is completely severed. I didn’t even know where they lived, my ex wife and son.

Aaron and my relationship was just running as smooth as a normal family now. I had his pile of dirty laundry, I had his school time table, his home work schedule and even his dentist appointment pinned on my fridge. I had all the numbers of his parents house, school, dentist, grandparents, GP doctors.. on a notice board. And pretty much, I had the spare room kitted out with a bed, clothes, posters of “metallica” on the walls.. his second cd collection. Even some of his teddy bears (which I was trying to wean him out of)

Local people even started calling Aaron “My son” which I gave up trying to tell them that he wasn’t actually my son at all. But they all started to adore him. He was no longer all angry inside. He started smiling a lot. He started uncovering his face from that large fringe of black hair. He started wearing different colors. He was slowly losing his “emo” look for a more hard rock look.

Well, lets get to the point of this entry.

November 1999. The week before his 10^th birthday. No party was planned.. just me taking him and his parents and brother out to Pizza hut for a meal. My treat. But this weekend he decided to sleep over at my house. I knew something was being planned by him. He was acting.. strange. Sneaky. As though he had a surprise for me. Yet I had no idea what he was up to. What did he break of mine and was about to try and tell me.. you remember that priceless mink vase????

Nope.. nothing broken. Nothing missing.. what are you up to???

6pm. Friday night. Homework done. Meal on its way from the take away. TV on at almost full volume.. the way a kid always puts it. And its almost time for a Friends episode. I sat down in the lounge. And Aaron came in with the two coffee’s and placed them on the table. He sat down heavy as always next to me. For such a light kid, you don’t have make a heavy thump.. he hit me and said push off…

We watched the episode of friends.. then Aaron got up and went to the toilet. 20 mins later he came back again…

“What happen? Fell in did you?” I joked.

“No, I need to ask you summut”

“What?” I asked.

“I want to do something.”

“Like what?” I asked again.

“I dunno, forget it.”

“No come on Azzer, what’s on your mind?” I asked. Looking at him.

“I want you to gay me.”

*The whistle of the train, the rumble of thunder. The stunned silence and shock an awe. The world stands still. The world implodes. The rapture cometh.

“Excuse me?” I asked. After almost spitting my coffee out.

“I want you to bumlove me.”

*yep, its clear now what he said. No other way to interpret that. That was rock solid.. an out right straight forward question. A demand.

“You are too young for that.” I said. Sort of, unknowing what to really say.

“No, I ain’t.”

“Aaron you are. You are only 10 years old.” I said.

“I don’t want to be 10, I want to be like you.”

“Look, if we would ever, I mean, if you and I would, you know. I am sure in 8 years time. We would do something.” I tried to explain.

“Now, or never.”

“Look Aaron, sweetheart. You cannot be this way. You are still a kid. And I am a man.” I said.

“No, now or never. I want now.”

“Aaron!” I said a bit stricter now. “No”

*he starts to cry.

“Why?” he asks

“You are too young.” I said.

“You don’t love me?”

“Not like that.” I said.

“Why?”

“Your age.” I said straight.

“And so what?”

*now he is trying to hold my hand as I pull it away from his.

“Come on please?”

*I look at him and back at the telly. I want to just take him home and tell him not to come around again. Ever again. But I can’t. I am angry. But I cant show it. I did love him. But I also didn’t want to do anything on that level.

“Aaron stop please.” I said.

*Aaron was now trying to hug me and get really close.

“Look, I can’t, I just can’t.” I said.

“Please”

*then he hit me with it..

“Come see,”

*he took my hand and dragged me to the bedroom, my bedroom. The room I ain’t been in all day.. and saw.. my bed was covered in his teddies and he had placed his clothes in with mine. And basically “moved in” to my room.

“Oh Jesus.” I said in disbelief.

“Please. Come on. Just with me. Please. I want to.”

*he then walked towards me and placed his hand on my crotch. And rubbed me and looked up at me and said in a soft voice.

“I will love you forever.”

I knew this was wrong. I know I shouldn’t do this. I knew this could be the end of me, this is not normal. This is not the right thing to do. How could I justify this. What did I do wrong? This kid is all over me like a leech and all I ever done was talk to him. Kept it safe. Kept it friends and not friendly I always showed respect and courtesy and kindness.

I never took advantage or said anything untoward.. or tried anything at all. This is the first time Aaron has showed a new “level” towards me. And he is trying so hard to make it happen.. I do not know how I can do this without a clean conscience.

I am now aroused. And Aaron was winning.

He won.